Not Cutting Today

Yesterday, not here but in a place I seek support I questioned healing. If it was really possible. I don’t think it is. Not properly.

Often child abuse is referred to like scars, but scars don’t heal, not properly, they are wounds that are just there as reminders. I don’t think full healing is possible. Perhaps it’s just possible to understand.

I always feel like I am searching for answers, and trying to understand the things that go wrong in my life. I try and find the why of everything.

Last night I was plagued with such flashbacks and fear of the bad man, I wonder how I’m ever going to heal that part. I felt like a 5 year old so certain that he was going to come for me. Sure that he was in my house and the moment I closed my eyes, he would be there. I could feel the imprints of his hands in my hair holding me down, his teeth biting into my shoulder and the weight of him as I tried to fight.I’ve been afraid of the shadows forever, perhaps I always will be.

And today is day four since I last self harmed. Small, but it’s still days where I have healed physically, but I’m tired today and feel stupid for my flashbacks the night before.

I don’t want to cut another day.

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14 thoughts on “Not Cutting Today

  1. I totally agree with you that you don’t completely heal. Sometimes time can lessen the pain of things, dull initial sting of something that has hurt you, but I believe you carry it your whole life. It affects the way you look at life and how you react to situations that life throws at you.

    I am glad to hear you haven’t self-harmed in four days…just take it one day at a time.

    I hope you find the understanding and peace that you deserve.

  2. I’m glad you’ve not harmed yourself today. And to me, 4 is a very big number indeed, when it pertains to this. As for your feeling stupid, I don’t think you are, or ever have been, but I guess we call go to that place now and again. :/
    I am proud of you, James… of how far you’ve come. Of how many people you’ve helped. Of how many you have taught. And of how far I know you will go.
    You are still an inspiration to me. I love you, very, very much.
    And I glad you’re my friend.

    ~ Hugs ~

  3. Congratulations! As you say, just take it one day at a time. That’s the best any of us can do about most anything. You’re not stupid! Far from it! It’s not your fault that you have the flashbacks whatsoever. xxxooo

  4. One day at a time is what you strive for. The healing will possibly never be completely gone because you have the inner and outer scars to remind you. But you are working at it and determined in some way to move past it and keep going. 4 days is a good start. I’m proud of you James! You are an intelligent beautiful man and none of what you went through was your fault. xoxoxoxoxo {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

  5. Like everything in life you can only take things one day at a time. We can not change yesterday and are not promised tomorrow. We can only live in the here and now. No, wounds never heal and there are always scars. Some scars are on the outside however the worst scars are the ones others cant see. We know they are there and those that we let into our messed up little mind they know they are there too. However, like all scars we have to find a way to accept that they are there, that they cant be changed. That these scars represent our past but do not have to dictate our future. Although we can never hide our scars we can fight to accept them and find a way to live with them. I am proud of you JD. However, if you found yourself tomorrow harming yourself, I would still be proud of you. I cant imagine anyone, not even the strongest person in the world, going through what you went through and turned out any better than you did. I will always be proud of you, even in your darkest days, because you are still moving forward and living life the best way you know how. ❤

  6. Healing takes time, not just on the outside the inside too…….You have the support from me and the rest of you’re friends…..I’m proud of day 4 , but 5 will be even better…..I’m here if you need to waffle!!!!

  7. I stumbled upon your book on Amazon, then checked out this web-site. Your writing above and other blogs you were writing sounds identical to my husbands words and actions for so many years. He has said so many many times how I and others don’t understand his thoughts and feelings, but he also can’t explain them to us. Your writings, I believe, will help him identify with others and himself. I thank the Lord for the honesty and ability and strength it takes you to share yourself and that it helps you and so many others that suffer.

    • Thank you Pam, I find myself one of the hardest things is to get others to understand, it isn’t that they don’t want to, it’s just unless you can feel it, it’s hard and even harder to try and explain it to someone else.

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