It’s just a stupid light bulb.

It’s just a stupid light bulb.

Strange topic for a blog post I know, but that’s what’s troubling me at the moment. A stupid light bulb. The one in the hallway blew out two nights ago and once again I have forgotten to replace it. The night arrives and darkness falls and suddenly the door to my lounge becomes like the door to a prison cell.

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Probably a strange concept to those that aren’t afraid, not that I am afraid of the dark, that doesn’t bother me at all, it’s the vision the dark gives me. The mental flashbacks that get triggered by a light not working. It makes me so frustrated with myself, it doesn’t matter how often I tell myself he isn’t real, he can’t come any more. He does not exist, the child inside does not want to listen.

I lie on the sofa at night trying to sleep and all I can feel is the anticipation of his hands in my hair yanking my head back, his nails digging into my arms, or his teeth in my skin and everything else that follows. All because I forgot to change a stupid light bulb.

I can’t even go out there, not even to go to my kitchen to grab a drink or to my bathroom. It’s like being a child once again. Even sleeping alone at night is a task, all I want to do is sit up and check that he isn’t here, but no amount of checking reassures me, because what if this time when I close my eyes, he comes. I feel like I’m an adult with a child’s logic sometimes when it is like this.

Once the night comes down, I know, no one will hear me scream and no one will come to help.

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7 thoughts on “It’s just a stupid light bulb.

  1. Wishing you didn’t have to go through such torture.
    That I could be there right now, to change that bulb for you.
    And that the sunrise comes quickly for you.
    ~ Big tight hug ~

  2. I agree with Teresa. If I were there I would change that bulb and check all the rest. Then I would make sure that nothing would bring harm to you because I would stay there and hold you. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I’m sorry that you have to have this experience. I do understand the darkness and what could be there. I am Bipolar with OCD and have been having night terrors for about a year and don’t know why. I will check on you later. Sending {{{HUGS}}}} and much love across the big pond!

    Vicki

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