I really hate when it feels like I am crying on the inside and no one can see. I don’t even know why it’s there, it’s been a couple of days now, even an attempt at self-harming yesterday didn’t change it. In fact half way through self-harming I stopped because it felt pointless in that moment.
I sit outside today on my decking and watch my granddaughter. She sits in the sun with her teddy bear, waves at me and blows me a kiss. Then she decides to get up, race over to me and in that way toddlers have, shout Par-par as she runs, because of course she hasn’t learnt to say Granddad. And even with those little arms around my neck, and the chocolate face against mine, inside it feels like I am alone. Maybe it is because I am writing Teddy 3.5, maybe it is just because of other things. I am not sure. I do know I hate when I feel this way and why I am writing this here, just to get it out.
Maybe it will pass later, I hope so, until then, if I am quiet this is why. The world feels like it’s moving and I have stopped. I’m caught in something waiting to catch up. Maybe tomorrow I can stop feeling like I’m looking in from the outside.
P.s I will remember to buy a damn light bulb today.
It will, indeed pass. Maybe not as fast as you’d like, but it will. As for the way you are feeling right now… normal. At least that’s what you told me a long, long time ago,when you got me to write about my dad. Granted, I had to stop and put it away, because that is how I had to do deal with it.
When writing about such horrific events from one’s childhood, how could one NOT still be affected by them? And so, frankly, if you weren’t feeling this way, or something similar to it, I’d be a bit concerned.
You are braver than many, James. And you deserve you enjoy the wonderful things your life has to offer you now. To name a few – that grand baby. Your better half. Your writing, how it enlightens people, by either letting them know they are not alone, or showing them a world they might not have ever allowed themselves to see. Lastly, who YOU are today. I hope you let yourself these things soon, James.
10k this weekend. Tick tock. 😉
… and I do hope you got that bulb… AND installed it. 🙂
~ Hugs ~