To Mum and Dad

To Mum and Dad

I’m sorry. I just needed to say that as I near the end of writing the last book of Teddy. I need to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for writing. Sorry for the way it makes you both look to the world outside, one that doesn’t know you the way I do and doesn’t understand. I just needed to get these things out. They’ve stuck in my mind for so long that they are part of my everyday thoughts, I couldn’t keep it all inside anymore. I’m sorry. im-sorry

I don’t write them to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you at all, not ever. I know you’ll be upset if you ever saw my books. Probably deny everything too because you’d read the words the same way any reader, reads them, like it’s your fault. And I know it isn’t. I know these things that I write about are as much me as they are you. I know deep inside if I had never been your child you would never have partaken in the activities you did. I created you just as you created me and I’m sorry.

I wish I could go away, not now, but in the past. A long time ago when I wouldn’t matter to anyone at all. I didn’t matter to you because I was so bad. Why did you not just go that step too far? Why did you not kill me for the things I did and the things I made you do?

I want so very much just to cut through my skin and make it hurt, to stare at that face in the mirror like I did as a boy and watch him suffer. He deserves it, but the face isn’t little anymore. He’s hiding somewhere I can’t reach him. I’d make him pay if I could. He deserves it.

I’m sorry for showing the world our secrets.


8 thoughts on “To Mum and Dad

  1. I’m sorry that this is how you have been left making sense of it – that its because of you as well that these things happened to you. Children are never to blame for abuse. Ever. Only abusers ask us to feel that we are.

  2. Surely you’re not serious!! A child should never be blamed for the abuse they endure. You’re parents were monsters, especially your father. Your mother was a sick woman. You dad is a psychopathic evil man. You know you weren’t to blame. We all can see the truth, why can’t you?

  3. I’m sorry you were hurt then. That you hurt now. That on some level, you will probably continue to hurt for the rest of your life. I even feel sorry for your parents, because they missed out on such a wonderful human being.
    Most of all, I am sorry that you feel that you deserve so much pain.
    I do understand your logic regarding your parents.
    Painfully so.
    Since those first moments one night, so very long ago, when you gathered the courage and began to tell me your story, and my reaction was nothing less than a mixture of shock, anger, sympathy, sorrow, and even hatred.
    You made me understand.
    And in doing so, the idea of writing and sharing your story with others, began to take root. I’m glad you wrote those books, James. You needed to. I won’t go into how far you have come since that first night, nor will I mention how MANY people have been helped by hearing your story. Like the countless souls who now don’t feel so alone, or that they are the only ones ; or more importantly, the ones who have been given hope because someone else … someone – you … survived.

    Yes, I am glad you wrote and continue to write. I know I’ve said it a million times, so I don’t think one more will hurt. I am proud of you, James. Proud of what you have accomplished. Proud of what you stand for. And so very proud of who you are. I am proud to call you my friend, and to tell you that I love you very, very much. And that no amount of your self hatred, or guilt will ever change that.

    You write. Write until you are sick of the word, writing. Write until the pain stops. Write.
    Like you said, if he read your books,
    he would only deny the truth. You know what I’ve always said re that.
    So what.
    He wouldn’t want anyone to know your story. You know I’m right. We both know the chances of him reading them are extremely slim.
    Don’t ever stop.

  4. yes Teresa you have said it so well,all I will say is JD keep writing its for you and you alone.Nothing is for him ok. and like Teresa and many others we love you. xxx ((HUGS)) xxxx

  5. Are you kidding me? A child is never at fault or deserving of sexual or mental abuse!!!! I understand still loving your family and not wishing to hurt them by letting the world what went on. But really, they are to blame! Believe me, I even understand your guilt and the feelings that maybe you let it happen; or even wanted some of it to happen. But it starts and ends with their guilt. You are strong and have moved on with your own family. I THANK YOU for writing your story, because it helps me to understand my feelings and my pain.

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