It’s funny how, after finishing a book and releasing it, I always feel quiet. Not that I don’t have things to say, just that I have said a lot and I feel guilty. I feel immense guilt at telling the world about my parents, as if I have betrayed them. It makes me even more quiet than normal; this of course gives me time to think. Not just about my writing, but many things.

A friend who will ignore me in a desperate time, yet issue cruel words when I  give up and walk away, or the father who offers me many things, only to take them away when I reach to take them. Now reprimands me, when he offers, and I say no. photo(1)

I seem to be learning many lessons, but for every lesson I learn, comes another consequence.

Each day is a fight.

One day in the last couple of weeks, I don’t know what day it actually was, I sat in my car, just pulled up and looked out at the river in front of me, a place I like to go and spend time. I felt like I was ready to jump. I couldn’t for one thing, think of a good enough reason why I shouldn’t end it right there and then.

I knew I couldn’t because of my children, but it left me pleading inside someone to help me and make me go away, because in that moment, I just couldn’t stand the pain of many things, things that I will never understand.

The only thing at the moment, that is letting me breathe, are the days I give in and self-harm. Yet as much as I self-harm, I can’t dig in deep enough. I daren’t even try, because what I am fighting with at the moment, is the child that doesn’t want to be here anymore, because he took his heart out, and realises it is broken.

Goodbye Teddy

Goodbye Teddy

2 thoughts on “Silence

  1. There are so many things that you went through that can make anyone understand how you feel the way you do. Most people would be a basket case sitting in a corner drooling on themselves. You are a survivor, you have made it through so much it is too late to give up now. Whether you did it for your children or for yourself you are a very courageous man. I honestly do not know where you got your strength, maybe it was your love for your children, your compassion, concern for your fellow man, but you are a very good person. There has been so many people you have helped in your life, that did not have anyone else to help them. I can hear what you think. That was easy they were not bad like me. That is the biggest problem. Your own self worth. You have heard it your whole life. If you would stop and really think about it. Who has ever said that to you? Your parents. Has your Nan ever said such a thing? NO. Have you ever had other people say anything like that to you? I doubt if anyone gets to know you that they would say anything like that to you. You have to know that you are a very good person and start trying to love yourself.

  2. Day by day. Minute by minute. I know it is hard for you sometimes. Most times.

    No amount of pep talks will make you love yourself, or erase the past. I get that… you know I do. But maybe those kinds of talks just might give you a chance to see things differently. Perhaps one that may spark something inside of you to find the strength inside yourself, to squash the bad and build up the good. To try and help you to better deal with the past. And although it will always be there, as it is part of you, maybe one day you will be able to say that it doesn’t dominate you anymore. How wonderful that would be.

    The fact that you think people could, and would go on without you… without a second thought… that they would be “fine.” That they would be better off without you here, is one way of looking at things. Perhaps it may even be sometimes comforting. But it doesn’t work that way, James. Not with the ones who truly want you in their lives. The ones who truly love you.

    As for this “friend” who seems to be very selfish and uncaring, unless the situation suits their needs…which I am sorry to say, your father also fits snuggly into this category; well, I think you know what I will say, so I will spare you that.

    Good people love you, James.
    These books you have written, and the story told within them. Releasing the truth, as it deserves to be told. The people who have befriended you, some of whom have even been saved because of it. The hurdles you have overcome. The courage you have acquired regarding furthering your education and therapy, and most of all, your bravery concerning your father. All good things.

    Things that may not have come about had you not found the courage to write, and to tell your story.

    Just as you wrote in your “book mentions”, about how you don’t think I’ll ever know or comprehend how much our friendship has meant to you… I say the same to you.

    My, how far you have come, since that life-changing night so long ago, when a shy, gentle soul sat in front of his computer, his T-shirt collar pulled up over his face to just under his eyes, because he was afraid of how I would react to what he was saying. That man took a chance. Why? Because it was time.

    And so, you keep fighting James. You hold Jamie close, embrace what he has been through… what you both have been through. He is worth it. As are you. Through your writings, you have represented the abused, the ones afflicted with mental and emotional issues that are not so easily expressed. You have shown those who have read your work, a different view of the world… your world. And we are better for it.
    Never be sorry.
    I am so proud of you.

    Yes, for each lesson learned there is indeed a consequence. But they don’t all have to be bad.

    You are still my hero.

    Love you.

    ~ Hugs ~

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