A Waste of Time

I’m sorry for the swearing and any typos in this. I don’t have it in me right now to go over it and correct them.

A waste of time.

That’s what I am. that’s what I feel. I had an friend just recently tell me that our friendship for almost for the last few years had been a waste of time. A waste of her time. For years she used to tell me i was worth something and that i meant something to her. She encouraged me and helped me, but in the end, it was a waste she said. I guess it’s true. I look back at our friendship, then i look back at my parents too and everyone that has followed them. I was a waste of their time too. I seem to be a waste of everyone’s time. They knew, right from the start. They saw it. They knew I wasn’t worth loving. They knew all along, they were right. I should have listened to them. Parents are always right.

I keep asking myself why i am still here. I don’t want to be and it is clear throughout my life, that aside from my children, it would probably be better if I wasn’t. People try to be my friend, but i hide away. I don’t want them to see the badness that is there. Its always been there. People who read my books just don’t want to see it, they see an innocent child. But its a lie. He’s a lie. I’d hand him over to all those people again myself if i could go back in time. He deserved it. He deserved everything.

I hear his cries in my head and i want to scream at him to shut the fuck up. This is what he deserves. It all is. Because, as people say or prove. He is just a waste of time and so am I.

Originally i was going to blog about something that felt like a victory to me this weekend. I had bought fresh chicken, touched it and cooked it. Having OCD, that was a huge challenge for me. But today I think why. What kind of idiot cant even buy a chicken without standing for 10 minutes in the supermarket and trying to hide the upset and turmoil inside about which one feels right. Which is the one that wont cause something bad to happen. And i look at myself and wonder why people don’t see how pathetic i am. I see it.

This morning at 4am, i woke up from a bad dream and the first thing i see is the bad man from my childhood, stood opposite me, on the other side of the room. Of course he wasn’t there, i was just having a flashback. I closed my eyes, unable to move, told myself i was safe. That he isn’t there anymore. He isn’t real. Isn’t that stupid? I’m a grown up. An adult, and still i get afraid of the monsters in the dark. Why cant I just be normal? Instead of this god damn stupid freak that i am, who is a waste of time. To everyone.

I gave in and self-harmed this morning. Isn’t that as pathetic as everything else? It didn’t even help. I can’t do it properly, like I need to. I wish I could cut through my own skin. I wish i could cut so damn deep that i wouldn’t be able to feel anything else. I wish i could do it until i was totally gone and then i wouldn’t need to waste any time for anyone else.

I wish i could go away. I wish that child had of died.

 

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8 thoughts on “A Waste of Time

  1. Your next step JD is to remember every one has badness in them no one is perfect,then you need to forgive your self for the badness,as for you being a waste of time never think that,you have survived for a purpose,to bring your children up/teach and help other abused children and so much more.Stop beating your self up there a lot of us out here,who have become very attached to you and we worry one day you will go to far,Please take care dear friend and remember we all have night mare flashbacks etc and YOU are never a waste of time to me. ((HUG)) ❤ ❤ xxxxxxx

  2. A ‘friend’ who tells you you were a waste of their time, knowing your background and similar psychological torment you have endured, was never a true friend in the first place. Anybody who can be that cruel to you is not worth ‘your’ time. As for your parents, no two people were ever more a waste of a child’s love or loyalty.

    And there is nothing stupid or pathetic about your issues. You’ve experienced the worst kind of trauma a person could have. You have incredible strength and, despite your daily struggles, you have achieved so very much. You are worth all our praise and our time. And you will have it always.

  3. First the woman who told you that was cruel and insensitive, thus toxic to you. You deserve better!
    What you write is not a waste of time for me to read. It’s just so well written that it brings up too many mental images of my own past. If you’d done a crappy job writing it, far less description, I would be able to handle it more easily. I still say you should do the EMDR. It will be worth your time.
    I’m not OCD about cooking but chickens, their parts and any animals and their parts feel disgusting. Chicken, cold and its bumpy skin – ewwwww! Do you have the bags to cook meats in? Reynolds Aluminum makes them here and they make the food (meat, poultry) cook very moist, even the breasts. Plus, when its done, you just toss the bag in the trash and there is very little to clean up, if at all. I use those so that I barely have to handle it and clean the fat, juices up later (really disgusting and I am a bit OCD about the fat leftover).
    Anyway, you’re far from worthless. But I think for yourself, writing a different genre now would be good for you. Try horror, it’s close to what you know. Try something like a story about a haunted house and maybe a family secret hiding inside. Not the kind if secret you know but something like someone not being the real dad or mom but really an aunt. What would you do if your aunt (or a relative you liked raised you as her own child and you found out in your 30’s the truth about your real mom when you discovered letters in the attic of your aunt’s 80 yr old house? It’s just a suggestion! But it might be fun to imagine your life differently with a woman you admire as your mum ;-). My parents were the same and I think parents who can’t rise above their past and give their children a happy, healthy and secure childhood do not deserve to raise children, period. I’ve worked hard to give my kids the opposite of what you and I got. I’m sure you did as well. It’s hard, but so worth it, because we’re worth it and they’re worth it. {giant hugs}

  4. James, I cry every time I read your blog. I wish so much I could go back in time and give comfort to that little boy then and to you now. No person is ever a waste of time. For what it is worth I know several people who can’t touch raw chicken. You aren’t alone in that. You are deserving of love and friends because you are alive and you will be missed when you are gone. I care for you and worry about you!

  5. I haven’t read your books, but I’ve been following your past few posts and I know what you’re feeling. I’ve been there. I know deep down that you know your parents were not right, and that any friend who says you are a waste of time is a waste of YOUR time. It’s ok to have a bad day, and to fall of the wagon. It happens. It’s ok. Feel what you feel, because it’s not a waste of time. Like I said, I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but I’ve been there. So if you ever want/need to talk to someone who gets it, who really first hand understands, you can get my email address off my blog. I don’t mind swearing, or typos. On my bad days I swear like a sailor and stutter like that old 5 year old. For what it’s worth, I don’t feel like reading this or commenting were a waste of my time at all. Time well spent. So thanks for taking the (not waste of) time to write it and share. My thoughts are with you today.

  6. Enough.

    I am sorry you are hurting. And you have been through enough. Just as your parents didn’t deserve such a wonderful boy, this so-called friend, doesn’t deserve this gentle, lovely man that you have become.

    How sad or self centered is this so – called “friend “of yours? Seems to me, that this person has made a habit of hurting you and making unfair, even possibly unrealistic demands. That is NOT a friend, and certainly isn’t someone who has YOUR best interests at heart.

    No, that is someone who is selfish, smug, and most likely, immeasurably insecure. Someone who let you believe that you were important … as long as you gave them what they wanted. Someone who, perhaps made you feel like you owed her?

    I feel bad for her, being so blind and all ; for not seeing the treasure that she had before her.

    That being said, I hope you are not making excuses for her, to try and justify her cruelty. (ie her frustration, anger… that somehow it’s all your fault she feels this way.) Don’t. Because that’s exactly what her behavior is … Cruel. And there is NO excuse for it. I don’t care how upset someone is, they do NOT have the right to knowingly hurt you. You have been drained long enough.

    You owe her nothing.

    For most of us, I think it is very clear, that for whatever reason, she CHOSE to hit you where it hurts. Because of your sensitive, caring, loving nature, and knowing how it would affect you, she made a conscious decision to hurt you.

    I say again, that is not a friend. Nor is it the behavior of someone who claims to love you. It is the behavior of someone who values their OWN wants and needs above yours.

    Look at your pages and blog, James.
    THOSE are people who love you. Who do not make demands upon you, to prove your loyalty, friendship, or love.

    They… We… simply love you. Not just because you are a brilliant writer and author. Not just because of the books you have written, or the story you have shared, or the people you have helped by sharing said story; or ALL the things you have overcome and are working on. While all of those things are indeed factors, the reason there are so many here, responding to this latest entry of yours – is because you are you. Period.

    Now look at yourself. I mean really look. If you were as evil, or awful, or as bad of a person as you have been made to believe, there would be NO ONE here, on this page , on your blog, or online talking to you privately.
    No one would be in your life personally. No one would want to be.

    Yes, we are here… by the dozens. Friends both old and new.
    That should tell you something.
    We see what you most likely do not. A beautiful man. One who is caring, full of life and love. One who is admired, respected and loved. Those things are not granted to people who are malicious, mean, vindictive or evil.
    Or a “waste of time”.

    No matter how sad you become. How pathetic you believe you are. How many OCD’s you have. How many nightmares you endure. How deeply you hurt.
    – Or how deeply you cut…
    Know that you are valued. And that you are loved.

    Now for a bit of tough love. You and I have known each other for a long time. We have shared things with one another that no one else will ever know. I have always tried to make it a point of not telling you what to do. This is not one of those times. And so, when I say the two words that I am about to say, regarding this notion you have about being a waste of time, you will know and remember (as this is not the first time I have said it to you) I say it only out of love. … Stop it.

    You have never been, or will you ever be, a waste of time (or a waste of anything else) to me.

    (And for what it’s worth, I for one, absolutely LOVE to hear about your triumphs. No matter what they are.)

    Look around and see all the good things in your life. Try and focus only on them, because that is what will get you through times like these.

    K… climbing down off my soap box now.

    I love you, James. No. Matter. What.

    ~ Hugs ~

  7. Finishing the book maybe triggered your little ones and they don’t know what to do with all the pain.Maybe talk to them,say they did good,noones bad or ever was.You James need to believe it before they can move on.Noone can understand the Pain and horror you all been through,self harm gives such a temporary relief,theres someone inside that wants you to hurt maybe because thats all they knew.Getting better is a threat,but there is someone who knows none of this was your fault.They manipulated a small child for their own sick reasons.Please do not hurt yourself anymore just because you feel helpless to hurt them,Stay safe,you are in our thoughts and prayers.

  8. I am a fixer. I need to fix things. NOt beaing able to is hard. My husband is bipolar. He recently hit one of his worst lows and attempted suicide, thankfully unsuccessfully. He can not be fixed. There isn’t anything I can do or say that will change who he is. I can just be there when he needs me. It was not his first attempt and it will probably not be his last and I have to accept that there isn’t anything I can do about it. Because I love him, I stay aware, I watch, and I listen.
    I’m just guessing, but It sounds like your “friend” thought that her gloriously awesome self could fix you. A friend doesn’t need to fix you. You are who you are – good or bad. There will never be a day when you don’t doubt yourself, just like my husband will always feel deep down that we are better off without him. Friends, Lovers, Partners, Spouses we embrace all parts of each other. Good and bad. Whether you deserved it or not is moot (you didn;t though)So you suck it up and pretend. And Pretend and pretend that everything is fine. And every so often, it really will be. And those tiny moments will be the diamonds in your darkness.

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