OCD I hate you

OCD I hate you. I do today. I’m tired of it. Tired of thinking about every little detail of everything I do in order to keep myself safe.

My OCD is going downhill these last few weeks, months really, I guess I get the odd days reprieve, when I feel strong and yeah, I can take my OCD on and beat it, but for the rest of the time, I’m running up hill, through muddy water.

I went to the supermarket today, nothing odd about that of course. They have mince pies for sale, my favourite thing. Its like someone bringing me Christmas early. I stared at them and stared at them and a million things went thought my head because they didn’t feel ‘right’ to buy. Not right as in its too early, but right for me, the one with OCD, where everything is controlled by what feels right and what doesn’t. So I left them. Went off into the supermarket to get what I wanted, but those damn mince pies played on my mind because I really wanted them. They really, really are one of my favourite things. I could taste them. I could imagine them. And god the thought just made me want to eat one in that moment, but then I thought, I can do this.

So I walked back to the front of the supermarket where they are and thought, it’s just my OCD talking. There’s no real danger. It’s just this thing I have. I can get them and I can eat them and I will be fine.

I Look at them, pick them up, imagine eating them and then it starts again, that stupid voice that’s plagued me all week long. What if it’s this packet. What if it’s this box. What if they make you sick. You don’t know who’s touched them, you didn’t see them get made. What if you’re sick at university tomorrow and you can’t get away?

I put the mince pies down and walked away. I wish this illness would go away. I wish I could just be like other people and buy something and eat it and not think what if.

It’s been a week like this. In a way I guess its good I can go a while without eating and it doesn’t bother me so much, because while I am at university at the moment, I can’t eat. I find my old fears coming up. Fears of a child, what if I get sick? What if I am sick in the wrong place?

I know my mother isn’t here and no one is going to beat me for getting ill on the rare chance it did happen, but still, when I go to take food, I am, just too afraid.

5 thoughts on “OCD I hate you

  1. Oh honey I just want to hold onto you and hug you and make all of this go away for you. I hate that you are dealing with this but I understand it. I wish I was there to bake you that Mince pie just for you.

    My heart is aching for you because of the pain that you go through. I wish I could flip a switch and make it all better.

    I love you and am thinking about you. Sending man hugs your way. 🙂

  2. ~ I hope you try and remember, that even though we think it to be true, (and some of us even take pride in ourselves by believing it) none of us is ever really in control.
    None of us.
    As always, my wish / prayer for you, is to gain what you feel is a sense of normalcy; as well as, peace and strength.
    Always near.
    Love you.
    ~ Hugs ~

  3. As a non-OCD sufferer this YouTube channel was the first that helped me understand what OCD is. The guy who owns the channel has “recovered” from OCD and is very positive, with helpful suggestions about how we can all take care of our metal health. Most of all though, he has a gift for making these concepts simple. It was such a breakthrough for me, that have been leaving links everywhere I can like I am being paid 🙂 (I am not!) Good Luck and hope you feel better soon.

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