Rock myself to sleep.

Rock myself to sleep.

I’m sick at the moment, start of University, stupid cold, fever, sore throat the works. It’s no more annoying to me than anyone else I’m sure, but I find many things about having a cold trigger me.

I can’t take nasal sprays, vapour rubs, the smell of them sends me back to being very small. One in particular that makes me feel drowsy can have me convinced that the bad man is there. Right there, just at the other side of the door. I can feel my mum rubbing it on my chest, feel my eyes get heavy from the vapour of it and as I drift off to sleep, he’s right there.

I can’t take medication because its triggering, I have to be really at the point of I can’t stand what I’m feeling anymore, just so I can get past that barrier, but medicine has me afraid of vomiting. I can’t take tablets, that’s a big no, no, my throat won’t even swallow them, they go into my mouth and my throat feels like it closes right away. Sometimes it just isn’t worth the heart ache.

Lastly, when I am sick, I rock myself to sleep. I used to do it as a child, when I was alone and didn’t feel very well. No one would come. There wasn’t the motherly hug to make me feel better, or the father checking on me. When I was ill I was probably more of a pain to them, it made them mad so I tried to hide it. I’d wrap my arms around myself, hook my feet together, close my eyes and rock myself to sleep.

I still do it now. I did it last night when I was in that semi-conscious stage. My other half even told me I was whimpering in my sleep. I guess this morning, it explains why I woke feeling alone, even though I wasn’t.

 

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4 thoughts on “Rock myself to sleep.

  1. You are right, you weren’t alone when you awakened, and I’m very glad of that. You’re not alone now, either.
    Not in your new home, and certainly not here. Not ever.

    Another of my wishes/prayers for you, is to overcome those triggers that bring you so much pain and sadness. I’m so glad that your better half is there. To hold you. To understand. To love you. And to show you that you are worth it, and that you do indeed matter.
    Every. Day.

    I’m sorry that you feel so alone within your thoughts and those terrible memories. That your being ill has so many triggers. The fact that you had to find ways to comfort yourself somewhat, (even though I think it was a tiny blessing in disguise,) saddens me, because no one would give of themselves to you.

    It shouldn’t have been that way then, and it shouldn’t be that way now.
    James, you deserve all things that are good and right… more so, than quite a lot of people I know.

    Once again, I say to you, that I hope you are able to gain some peace and strength, so that your days (and nights) are better for you… if nothing else, at least a bit more bearable.

    Now rest. And feel better very, very soon.

    Love you.

    ~ Hugs ~

  2. You are never alone. I hate when you are sick, because I hate for anything to trigger you. You mean so much to me. I pray every day that you will find comfort. Hope you get better very soon! {{{James}}} that’s a special big sister hug from me to you! Love you!

    • hiya again JD,
      Im suffering with the same thing at the moment (the cold) i cannot start to imagine the suffering you have had to live with through you life. Does your immediate family (wife,kids etc…..) know of your childhood troubles?
      I can see how much you mean to certain loverly people on here that so obviously care deeply about you. your entire memoir saddens me to the bottom of my very sole. i dont think i would have survived no were near as long as you have under the same circumstances.I really do beleive that you are one of the strongest people i know,( and thats it ,i do feel like i already know you).I really do hope ,for you that you can let this tragic part of your memories go one day…
      I know some one whoes childhood was extreamly bad and had hypnotherapy that really helped her put her past to rest once and for all.
      You are a true inspiration to every single day of my life…

      (((hugs))) just for you

      Julie

      • Thank you Julie for your words, so sorry for such a late reply, I hope your cold is better. And no, my family do not know. I wouldn’t even know where to start

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