Out of my Mind.

Guilt

I guess the blog flash thing didn’t really work for me. I was doing it, I was enjoying it and I hoped that in many ways it would help me use my voice, even if it was just fifty words of random nonsense. But then it went; I guess most of the reason is because of falling out with my father. It seemed to stop me in many things, and I was already struggling to talk, I think it just made it a whole lot harder because I feel guilty about it. I’m writing this and I can feel my mind telling me to be quiet, no one wants to hear, not even myself. But I set a time limit, to just write and see what comes out and that’s what I’m going to do before I start my day.

I woke this morning to many notifications on Facebook, from a group of people that had seen my book trailer, made by a dear friend and fellow author, Azure Boone, and their reactions to it. Their responses were so heartfelt and made me feel the same way I do when I read reviews, that I can never find a way to really thank people, but on the other side of that, I feel like a fraud. Like a liar. All these people giving me caring and understanding. They say they want to save the child, hold his hand, look after him.

I want to ask them why? What do they see that I don’t? Why don’t they see how bad he is? Why don’t they see that it’s all his fault? I want to smack my hands over his mouth and tell him to shut the hell up about stuff that no one should care about. He’s nothing.

I joined a writing/author group of wonderful people a few weeks back, they are all so friendly, and I love each one of them. They make me laugh many times with just the randomness of the conversation, but it has crossed my mind to leave the group. I know it’s just Facebook, and like them I am just another person hidden behind a screen and the internet, but I feel how genuine they are. I feel their laughter and smiles, I hear their words. I know the warmth that is there and it scares me to be part of it.

How long before they look at me and realise I am not like them? How long before they see the real me and cast me out? I don’t deserve to be in there with those wonderful people. They have such a freak hanging out with them and they don’t realise it.

I’m a man who was once a child that brought out the bad things in his parents; I’m the same man that’s just told his terminally ill father to get out of his life. How do I live with that? I’m trapped between the guilt of a child and the guilt of an adult.

This is random I’m sure, my mind flits over many thoughts. Thank you for reading.

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20 thoughts on “Out of my Mind.

  1. How about you give yourself a break for once?
    How about you just face the fact that, and forgive me for what I am about to say…., your dad had it coming to him.
    The wheel turns – bad things happen, comes into the light and when the good comes with it, you are afraid to take what is needed for YOU to survive!

    Just take what life offers you, my friend and f.. the rest. Don’t stop writing because of anyone, lest alone yourself or what YOU perceive to be the truth. It’s not always, you know.

    You are my friend, a brother, and I won’t ever let you go, you crazy bastard.
    Because I bloody like you…just the way you are. (And it’s NOT Bruno Mars singing) 🙂

    • Damn it William, no matter what mood I am, you slap me with the truth and make me laugh about it at the same time. You are right, I know. I’m sorry in my late reply, I have been busy sulking. I’m so glad to know you. Thank you.

  2. “Slap the inner child”, “tell him to shut up”. Lets add ‘try to kill him’, ‘bury him’. I could also add some other things I’ve done.

    Truth is: you would *never* do this to a human child who showed up on your doorstep, abused. I doubt you would tell him to shut up when he related the abuse. I think you would rather hold him . . . a ‘real’ human child.

    Maybe it’s time to see him like that. A real human child who really needs your help and understanding. And maybe, like ‘me’, as you come to understand why ‘he did what he did’ you will know: he was only seeking happiness in the only way he could. It was not ‘him’ which caused his parents to abuse him, it was not the things he did. It was them – lost souls and minds – taking their grief and pain out on him. That is not excusing them. It’s just what *they* did, seeking simple human happiness, albeit from another’s pain. Yes, it is wrong what they did, but not how he responded.

    Try loving that child. Starting can be rough. I had to understand him first – his search for love. From there things came easy. It can be hard to love him enough. ‘I’ and ‘we’ have decided: he’s been abused long enough. ‘We’ are no longer going to help our abusers. We aren’t accomplices. Our child has suffered enough.

    Love him. Try your best. It will be hard starting out; he may not trust you enough. But as time goes along it gets easier, at least it did for us. Accepting ‘him’ as a young soul who was badly abused – and being loving instead of tough.

    • Hi Jeff. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I understand everything you said, but it is so damn hard. How do I love someone I was taught to hate my entire life. I feel him, I feel his sadness, but I find it hard to see that once, he was a real boy that was hurt. I wish I knew where to start. I don’t want him to feel like the bad guy any more.

      • I started by just trying to understand his motivations. And knowing that the basic motives are survival and happiness. We do a lot to fulfill those needs. You can’t have the latter without the former. I know our search for love led us on many a strange quest, so to speak. In all the wrong places sometimes. But at our heart – his heart – he was lonely and trying to find happiness. That was our start. “Getting that”. And as you say: knowing and feeling? Two different things; way different. I know. It took us YEARS – many of them. But we had a hard road to take, took most of it alone. No T. A long time. And even the T didn’t do it; we had to. You can’t be happy if you hate a part of yourself. We learned to accept them *all* – even the baddest of them. With love and open arms.

        Easy now, tho’. Not through practice so much as some weird deep down ‘realization’ each time (being multiple) – and our ‘mediating’ self making sure to rationally make US think it through about “HIM” (the bad boy) . . . and seeing: he was hurt and TRYING to be good. They just wouldn’t give him a chance.

        (okay, enuff’ – it makes us sad; we love our ‘boy’ so much now – and ‘we’ did mistreat. And yet he as well loves and forgives US. I guess ‘he’ understands better than us – since in a way he created us.)

        Take care. And we hold out hope for you. It can be done. Over time.

      • I am always surprised when someone says I make sense, LOL. But honest – I am.

        It can be tough, that hump you gotta get over “in you” before you can reach out to that child. Really hard. I wish the best of luck (and love, because that’s the clue) to you & yours.

  3. I didn’t read far enough up on Azure’s post to see your blog she posted earlier.

    You want to ask why? Because there are good, caring people in this world. We see an innocent child that deserved nothing but love. You were not bad, you were a child, that wasn’t given good role models. Now repeat after me: It was NOT YOUR FAULT! You ARE something and people DO care about you and what you have to say. Even people who have just “met” you and feel like they’ve known you a long time.

    I think we’re all f***’d up in one way or another. I used to say why couldn’t I have been born to a “normal” family…I now don’t believe anyone has a “normal” family, just varying degress of messed up. You are not alone and many can relate to feelings you have.

    How do you live with telling your father to stay out of your life? Only you have the answer to that. I’ve had to come to terms with my own demons and my answer was I have to surround myself with positive people who don’t bring me down and if that means not speaking to my parents so be it.

    Thanks for sharing with us.

  4. I know where you are coming from. I know these thoughts of intense self hatred very well. The self blame that we cover ourselves with like a blanket. We throw responsibility on ourselves as children so that we don’t have to realise that it was the adults responsibility and they failed. I’m reading, caring, and hoping that one day you can break free from the shackles of unwarranted blame.

  5. First of all, YOU as a child did NOT bring about the actions of your parents. Your parents are/were very sick and evil people. I am sorry but I can not let you take the blame for them. No parent in the right frame of mind would ever let their child take part in what your parents FORCED you to take part in. No normal adult would stand by and do nothing about your situation. THEY WERE NOT NORMAL and you do not get to take credit for them. Second, I understand your wanting to leave the group of people/authors you joined. I too am a “runner” and have wanted to leave a group that I joined because I was not young, beautiful, and as fun as they all seemed to be. But there are a few who refuse to let me believe that I am not worthy because the ideas that I am telling myself daily are lies. These people can help if you won’t push them away. Don’t leave the group. Sure not everyone in the group may be real or really care but there are several in the group that do. I would even bet that there are many who love you and lift you up in their thoughts and prayers. Please don’t push people away. I care…

  6. JD,
    The very minute you embrace the child in you is the very minute you will be set free. I understand where you are. You are caught between “slapping the child you once were” and loving yourself. It WILL come JD. One day you will wake up and realize that your mother and father were the ones who told the ‘child JD’ that he was “bad” and “no good”. You, my friend, as the child who wanted so much to please his very sick parents came to believe their lies. You were never bad. You were just an innocent child who was unlucky enough to be born to very BAD parents. You have got to stop letting your parents get away with the horrendous abuse they put on you. That day will come too JD when you will say “I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR WHAT MY PARENTS DID TO ME” I cannot help myself but to reach across this internet and hug you close to me. To take your hand and keep you safe. As for your terminally ill father…I am sorry but I will keep those thoughts to myself. Write him a letter and tell him all the things he has done to you. Be completely honest. Or better yet…hand him your books. Tell him to read them.
    I know you are having days where everything doesn’t matter but those days will start to dwindle away. You will notice that instead of once or twice a month will soon become once a month and then once every few months and then just a few times a year.
    You have to keep your voice strong. Don’t leave your group, they will help you through the hard times. Stay strong JD

  7. JD…Sexual abuse is not an acceptable form of punishment, no matter how “Bad” you were. Sexual abuse is/are the action(s) of very sick individuals, in this case your parents your parents were the sick individuals and whoever else they allowed to abuse you in such horrible ways. They are not proper parenting skills! You cannot say that you deserved it…no-one deserves that.
    As far as breaking up the relationship with your father.. I know you hoped against hope all these years that someday maybe you could have a “relationship” with him and that he would be the father that you had always imagined he could be. He is not..he will not be…and it is time to accept that..no matter how hard it is for you. He will always blame others for his mistakes in life and you will never be able to move on if he is in your life blaming you …and others.
    I think people who have read your books not only truly care about that little boy but they also truly care what became of him as an adult. Please accept that people have honest and good intentions and want to help you get through this..not by yourself but with others who have gone through similar situations themselves.

  8. I see those demons are once again having an influence upon you. Don’t you dare let them, or him, win.

    And so I say, I have never been one to hold back from you, and I won’t start now. But you know every word will have been said out of love. Always.

    They’re right, you know, all those who have commented before me here, today. I think you do indeed need to give yourself a break, and begin to take what good things life is offering. God knows, you have had more than your share of the bad.

    I know for a fact, that you have not and would not slap, try to bury or kill, or tell to shut up for that matter, any abused child that turned up on your doorstep looking for help.

    You know my stance on your view of yourself, both then and now. I understand why you think the way that you do, and I won’t pose the argument to you again. I know you have had your fill of all of those debates.

    You also know I won’t push you…that is, until now. Because now, you are speaking of putting aside the one thing that has gotten you through some of the most difficult parts of your life so far. The one thing you love so dearly. The one thing that is truly part of who you are. Your writing… or something that is connected to it.

    Today an Fb group, tomorrow some recreational writing, then some therapeutic writing and then perhaps even a book. How many sacrifices will be enough? I know exactly how many… none.

    None until you deal with Jamie. Until you let go of some of that anger. Until you forgive him…or at least learn to begin to accept him for who he was. The cliches are true… no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and will do so until the day we die. And so why is it, that Jamie isn’t allowed that luxury? Or James, for that matter? And before you think it; yes, you are worth it. Both of you.

    Like my view of you, you also know what I think of your father. But my opinion isn’t important. – It is still okay to love him.

    I am wondering though, at what point do you say to yourself, “enough.” And when will you begin to leave most of the guilt behind? I say most of it, because realistically, I think all of it can never be completely buried.

    Also, I must say that I don’t think you truly enjoy being miserable. We both know you think it is deserved; and granted, it is sometimes much easier to live that way, as it is what you and I were taught as children. But To restrict yourself from happiness? To restrict yourself from the simple pleasures that we all need to cope? To restrict yourself from life? No.

    I have known you too long, have shed too many tears with you, watched you fight too many battles, seen you overcome too many obstacles, and have watched you show so much courage when you thought you had none left, to see you become a “runner” now.

    You are probably thinking all of us who have commented so far, are correct in our views; as long as it is pertaining some other child or man, and not you.

    I hope you take heart in what your friends have said here… not because there is something in it for them, but because they genuinely care. But more so, because you are indeed, loved.

    Perhaps I have been a little over zealous in the thoughts I have tried to convey here. But every tragedy must begin somewhere… even in something as simple denying one’s self the warmth and pleasure of being a group of friends that share a common love of creating, of writing, and of enjoying each other’s company.

    Yes, do grab on, hold fast and don’t let go of any of the good things that make their way to you, James. I think William has said it best, “Do not stop writing because of anyone…”

    Ever.

    I hope you never quell that voice of yours, because though you may not think so, we can hear you loud and clear.

    And btw, I have yet to meet anyone, who didn’t have a bit of the “freak” in them.

    ~ Hugs ~

  9. I have often wished that I had a magic wand that I could use to take the hurt away that so many people face inside. I wish I could ease pain and make someone feel whole. I can’t do that as hard as I might wish. I can however be a good friend. Be a constant light in someone’s life even those dark moments.

    We all have that voice inside us that tries to keep us down. Some of us listen to that voice and crumble while some of us fight against that voice and lean on those when we need to catch our breath. I can’t sit here and say that I know you and all you feel because I have read both of your books and your blog. That would be foolish and naïve of me and an insult to you. However, I can say that we all have bad things in our lives, things that have broken a piece of us all. Unfortunately some of us had it far worse and have so much more to overcome. Life will knock you down at every turn and what I can say about you is you are a survivor, a fighter and a hero.

    I have the feeling you might be rolling your eyes right about now, especially at the hero comment but let me say this. I have seen firsthand how readers can rip apart a book and be almost cruel at their reviews. I can only imagine how hard it is for someone to release a book (even if its fiction) and wait for the reviews. When a book is fiction, its just the passion of the author along with their blood sweat and tears that gets ripped apart over a bad review. However, in your case it’s so much more deeper than that because it was your life, your childhood, and your nightmare. You are incredibly brave to put yourself out there like that. To open up in the most vulnerable way I can think of to a world that can sometimes be downright cruel. Because you have put yourself out there and wrote your story in an amazing way you have reached out to those who may have shared your same nightmare, those that could be struggling at this very moment with their own sanity. You could very easily be their beacon of light because they know they are not alone and it wasn’t just “them” who had to suffer that you suffered too. They may read your blog and know that they are not crazy because they feel some of the same things you do and can better understand themselves because they have your words to help them. They might think if you were strong enough to talk about your childhood maybe, just maybe they can finally open up about theirs. You are their hero.

    You survived your youth and you fight to this day but because you fight against all the things that seek to tear you down and you fight to save yourself, you are a hero for that as well. There are those, like myself, who didn’t have the abuse you suffered. They might look at their life and see their problems now as trivial. Those things that once had them so upset, things they couldn’t let go, maybe just maybe they can release those trivial things because they have read your story and realize they didn’t have it so bad after all.

    One of my most favorite quotes from a book and I want to dedicate it to you because quite honestly I can’t imagine anything else more fitting: “You’re not half the male you could be because of what was done to you. You’re twice what anyone else is because you survived”

    You belong in that group and let me tell you they are better off because you are there. Yes, it is just facebook and we are just in fact people hiding behind our screens and internet but such is life. A person doesn’t need a monitor and the internet to hide behind. People hide in real life too. You will find on the internet the same people who are dishonest, nasty, rude and only out for themselves no matter the cost. But those same people can be found in the outside world too. The internet is really no different than the outside world. However, there are also good people. Honest people with good hearts that want nothing more than to be someone’s friend. Want to make people laugh, want to listen to their woes, want to be a shoulder to cry on. They are sincere and they truly care. When you find those people (whether in the outside world or on the internet) you hang on tight!!! You have found a group that has those type of people so you need to stay, you have to stay because you belong there too!!!!!

    I know you still have a lot you are battling inside. I know that you have so much guilt and I know that no matter what I say I can’t silence that voice inside of you. The only thing I can do is tell you the one thing that has helped me in my own life with my own struggles. The most important lesson I learned. “Sometimes, it’s not about loving someone so much that they stay, its loving yourself enough to walk away.”

    I am sorry I wrote so much, I talk A LOT!!!! Believe me, this is edited, there was so much more I wanted to say. I will end this by saying this. I speak for myself when I say that I am better off because I can say I know you. I hope someday we get the pleasure of meeting you. On a brighter note, thanks to you I can pee standing up now. WHOOT WHOOT!!!! teehee

    I bid my farewell (for now) while singing to you Woody’s song from Toy Story – “You got a friend in me” ❤ ❤

  10. Pingback: Learning to Love The Inner Child | A Song of Life: Being DID

  11. HI JD:
    I didn’t even take the time to read the other comments because it would tie my thoughts up so I will read after I send you this.
    JD God made you wonderful…YOu did not deserve that trash that has come your way. YOU deserve to be loved, friended, and shared…YOu deserve to speak and have a voice…whether people like it or not..I would guess that people’s hearts are melted as mine has when you speak loudly or via pen and paper.
    Look after yourself physically and emotionally. Take baby steps if you have to.. Healing is not always by leaps and bounds..
    Do not listen to evil voices.
    If you find it difficult to know what is right. I will say this God made you beautiful and have the ability to love greatly and give to the world your gift.
    God gave everything for you.
    God sees what you can become a person who is healing and healing and healing a little each day.
    Practise every day and speak out loud the things you are good at… Every day speak out loud and say I am healing one moment at a time and today I am being healed…Blast the negative and evil voices.
    Give yorself a break; don’t be so hard on yourself.
    Anyone who says differently is wrong.

    I am probably too agressive in my words for some people ‘so what’ I stand up for good. and you are good.

    God Bless -you have infinite possibilities
    Beverley

  12. You are a light in my darkness. You have saved me from the abyss. I also feel like running from others but you have kept me here in the group. The guilt you feel is your inner childs emotion. I believe you realize that your parents were mentally ill. The best thing for you is to let your father go and heal yourself. I told you before that your life is a journey and in your journey you must let others help you walk. I can accept the real you, I look forward to a close friendship. Please read the story “Footprints in the Sand”. know that when there are only one set of prints, that is when I will be carrying you. I care..

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