I Hate My Stupid Head

I hate my stupid head. Probably one of my most favourite says and one of those things a friend of mine hates to hear all the time, but it is true. I do. I hate it with a passion. The crazy stuff it conjures up, the way it makes me feel the times it argues with me and it always wins. Always. I am powerless against it. I fight it with logic and reason and it just comes back at with me with more and more until I am pulling at my hair, taking a knife to my skin and just begging it to please shut the hell up because I can’t take it anymore.

I am so glad at the moment everyone is talking about depression and suicide, although I know that in a month or so when the news of Robin Williams death has begun to be forgotten, so will the cause and soon we will be back to ignoring mental illness. I really hope it isn’t. 10402377_10152509082674396_8618635040360211892_n

A couple of weeks back I posted a blog on the time limit for mental health, because there is one. The medical professions fob you off with medication that only works for a little while, then your body gets used to it and you need more. Any therapy that is given has a limit. I find it so stupid. Twice this year I have come to the point of making an attempt on my own life. Twice the hospital have sent me home after fixing me up. Last year I had done the same. In my last therapy session my therapist asked me on a scale of one to ten, one being dangerous and ten being no danger, how do I rate my risk for another suicide attempt? I told him that I was a three. Which means it’s there. I want to do it. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming I plan it in my head, visualise what I am going to do, but I have something that stops me – my children and my family. What if one day that is not enough?

My therapist then showed me a chart about people like myself who think bad thoughts, self-harm and then feel bad because they self-harmed and it’s a cycle, which is true of course, he said what I need to do is step out of this cycle and draw on my compassionate self to self sooth. It feels somewhat like being told to think myself happy. I have tried explaining to him that some days I feel so weighed down and sad and alone and so desperate that the thought of feeling this way for another minute has me sitting in a corner and all I can do is cry and self-harm some more because I don’t want to feel this way anymore and no amount of happy thoughts can pull me from it.

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I wish I had a physical illness instead. At least then I would get the help. I hope if anything comes out of the heart-breaking death of Robin Williams, it is that people start standing up on both sides of the fence. Those who are sick with this dreadful illness and any other medical condition no longer fear talking about it and those with the power to help, do so.

I hope that if you are reading this and you have these hours, weeks, days or even months of darkness when you can’t climb out of the hole, know that you are not alone.

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9 thoughts on “I Hate My Stupid Head

  1. I must add that I hate that you continue to suffer from this unrelenting and vicious condition. Like many others, I wish there was something I could do to make it all go away.
    In wishing that, I also see that the fact that you don’t want to feel this way, that you haven’t succeeded in leaving, and that you try to help others not feel so alone – are all good things.
    They’re all good things because they depict hope, in one form or another.
    All of those facts that I just mentioned, have contributed in your helping people to understand, in teaching them to see things differently, and making them aware of just how painful various mental conditions can be.

    You have helped to shine a light upon something that is been in the shadows for much too long.
    You have made a difference, James… a much bigger one than I think you realize.

    And though ultimately the choice is yours, I hope that in those times, when you feel you like you’ll never climb out of that hole, that that in itself, can be a reason for you to stay.

    This world needs people like you in it. To help to steady it. To help make it more tolerable. And to make it just a little brighter.

    Love you.

    ~ Hugs ~

  2. We love your (not so) stupid head. It is actually brilliant. Please know that you too are never alone. I am always here to listen. I am sure I’m not the only one. Never suffer in silence lovely man.

  3. What you have been through is horrific,the quotes from Robin were so true.There is no pill or threapist that can take away the pain,the pain is with the littles who wrote the books,they think they did something wrong,both of these people hada mental illness,you survived this,you alone but with help from the others inside,let some of them know your grown,the bad man is long dead,please whoever is hurting the bodyIIT STOPS NOW!!!!!

    • Once in a while someone comes along and they heard. Thank you for hearing me. No one has ever refereed to the littles before or known that it is one of them doing it. Thank you for knowing of their existence. Thank you for reading and supporting.

  4. James, I love your head and it is not stupid. It is brilliant. You are a good and loving person who carries a little boy inside who made coping mechanisms of OCD and self-harm to deal with his pain. You can be courageous and tell that little boy there is no more need to use those mechanisms. That pain is real, but you can share it with all of us and enlighten us. That is it’s purpose nowadays. The perpetratos were the ones who were mentally ill and you have taken ownership of that illness because of the pain they inflicted upon you. I hope that through my experience with my son’s mental illness and death by his own hand, I can lend you hope, courage and care. You need to stick around because you matter. You have many people who care about you and are there for you and I am pleased to count myself among them. I love you and wish I could give you all the love, care, and hugs you ever need to assure you that you are a good and worthwhile person, who deserves all the joy that life can bring.

  5. Maybe I missed this question….
    Are you married or have a significant other? And maybe this is silly… but, does the UK celebrate Christmas like a lot of american?
    Any other holidays that the UK celebrates bit not us americans…?

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