BPD – Help Wanted

Asking for help.

It isn’t a secret that I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Anyone who reads my page often will see that it is something I suffer from. I find it is a much stigmatised illness too. So many think that sufferers are nasty and manipulative and that people with this illness should be avoided. I have even seen books advising family members to just carry on and that the BPD sufferer will get over it. It hurts inside to see those things.

On the contrary, many BPD sufferers are very kind and giving. They love nothing more than to make someone they care for happy. It is more of an imbalance of emotions that become very intense and the sufferer does not know how to deal with them. Simple things. I often liken episodes of someone cancelling a lunch date with me as having the same emotions as if they told me they are going to die tomorrow. That is how intense it feels inside. I feel helpless in a matter of seconds and I can’t control it. For me, this is where I take hold of my razor and cut into my skin just to get it out. in12_volunteer_help_wanted

My reason for blogging isn’t so much to write about my experience. There is a world of information on the web about BPD by sufferers. It is to talk about the silent sufferers – our friends, partners, wives and husbands, and so on. People who we care about deeply are the ones we lash out at the most. Afterwards, there is such guilt. I know for myself I can get so ashamed of my behaviour. I hurt someone who is very close to me often when I am upset. I make her feel helpless and she doesn’t know what to do to help me. It makes me very sad afterwards when I can think clearly and I have calmed, but it is too late. The marks are carved into my arms and she’s pointing at herself thinking they are her fault.

I have searched so many times, as has she, for something good that can help her to understand what it is I need in those moments, and there is nothing we have found yet. Not a word. All I can do after each episode is tell her what we should have done and maybe we can learn from it. Because of this, I want to write about my journey, but I want to write about hers too. I feel it is just as important. I know also that every BPD sufferer’s illness is different, so I am also asking for some help.

If you have BPD or are a supporter of someone with it, would you be interested in helping with this project? To get some real information out there as to what helps and what doesn’t. Tips and advice. Real stories from real people, not text books from someone who has never been on either end of the illness. You won’t have to have your name in the book if you don’t want to. It would be your choice, but as I write each little bit, I would be wishing for others to contribute what they can from their experience so that we, the BPD sufferers, can help those who support us.

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11 thoughts on “BPD – Help Wanted

  1. I’m still convinced I have this. My fella has pretty much disowned me for my behavior the other day and threatened to cancel our holiday. I’m so sick of being made to feel like I am just a bad scary person who just has a temper and is a ‘psycho’ I’m not a bad person. I just don’t know how to control my feelings. I quit therapy as I was still just being told I have depression. I am now right back to feeling ok again, meanwhile he is still dealing with how he feels about my rages and it seems no amount of sorry card making or nice dinner making is going to be enough this time. I know it’s selfish of me to expect him to deal with my mood swings. But I always see it as, well I only smashed some things, I wasn’t exactly voilent. But I forget that not everyone has had to deal with the violence and so it’s not fair of me to assume that the other things shouldn’t seem that bad in his eyes, just because I’ve had what I view as worse. So I sit here and I feel helpless and empty and I mask it with my clown like behaviour because it’s what I know. I’m starting to learn, very slowly. I just don’t think he wants to learn how to deal with me and I guess it isn’t fair of me to expect it of him. It’s all so confusing. Sorry for rambling. I guess what I’m saying is I would like to help.

  2. I would like to help too. I have BPD and my daughter and I just had a huge fight. I threw my sandwich at her and she told me I’m crazy and threatened to call the police. It all started when she denied giving me a dirty look and being rude instead of answering an easy question. My boyfriend left me and even though I can’t get over him and it hurts like hell and I have to go outside sometimes to breathe…at least now that he’s gone, with no one actively being repulsed by me maybe I won’t feel so repulsive all the time. Thank goodness for the sparkly bits of this often frightening condition. I dissasociate every time I’m alone. I get really scared. I realize I’m in here (in my head) all alone and so no one can really help me. Maybe helping with and reading your book and blog will help me understand myself.

  3. Hey 🙂

    I’ve been reading your blog and it’s incredibly interesting! I too have BPD.

    I wanted to quickly message you and find out whether or not you’d be interested in taking part in my Mental Health Art Auction.

    It’s a new project I’m running whereby we aim to raise awareness, fight stigma and raise money for charity.

    The bloggers that will take part will be required to write posts –
    promoting the auction
    talking about their experiences
    explaining why they’re taking part

    However the level of commitment is completely up to the individual blogger – any help is appreciated!

    Please check out this link and let me know if you’d like to become involved –
    https://bylaurenhayley.wordpress.com/the-mental-health-art-auction/
    We’d love to have you on board.

    Lauren Hayley

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