Monster

It’s been a while since I have written my thoughts on here. Of course I have written many other things. I have since finished therapy. I had in total 14 sessions. I didn’t find them very helpful. It was ironic in a way that I was there because I had stumbled into my doctor’s surgery one day to tell them I wanted to kill myself and it took so much inside to say what was at the root of that, my father, and yet, when I got to therapy, if I tried to mention my parents in anyway, my therapist would tell me that it doesn’t matter. It’s in the past. And while this is true, it is in the past. Most of the occurrences are years ago. They are still big to me. I have not got over them and the parts inside me struggle.  how-to-fight-depression.WidePlayer
Mt father is dying. He has cancer. He has had it a while and because he is older, it is taking a while. I do not imagine he will be here this time next year, maybe not in six months either. He is in the final stages now. I used to think I wouldn’t care if he died. Not because I hated him for what he had done, not because I had cut him off, but because I was sure that I wasn’t capable of loving anyone or anything. I don’t feel it inside for people, not until they leave. It was a terrible time when my children were growing up and I questioned continually my feelings for them. It feels like some part inside me doesn’t work.
My father at the moment was just awaiting tests to see if his cancer had spread even farther. He messaged me today to say that it hadn’t. I found myself disappointed with that and I have no idea why. It isn’t that I wish him anything bad. When he had a heart attack recently I found myself upset, but what I realised was that I wasn’t upset about him dying. I was upset that his chance to ever make things up to me was gone. The chance he would ever be my father was at risk.
I sometimes think that inside, I am a monster.

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5 thoughts on “Monster

  1. Of course thinking you’re a monster would be your first thought. To blame yourself for daring to want something for yourself, for so long. I think the reason for that, is because you were and are, such a loving, caring, selfless and loyal person. Friend. Brother. Father. Grandfather. And son.
    It’s only natural to want a chance to have an appropriate, loving, good and honest relationship with your father. To be validated. To be valued. To know you are loved by the one person whom you have always wanted it from the most; something that has been withheld from you your entire life. It is not selfish or monstrous to crave the love of one’s parent; as well as, something on a much smaller scale like an apology.
    So I will say it; you are not a monster; far from it.
    Though unfortunately, I think we both know he will never give you the things that you deserve – that you are owed. The things that should come naturally from a parent. An apology. Adoration. Validation. And yes, love.
    No James, you are not a monster. You’re a good man with normal feelings and wants and needs like everyone else.
    And I am glad you are in my life.
    So glad.
    Love you.
    ~ Hugs ~

  2. The only monster is your father, definitely not you. And as for your therapist, his job was to help you deal with your past, not tell you to forget it and move on. If it were that easy, you wouldn’t have sought his help, or any other therapist’s for that matter. I’m sorry that therapists like that exist.

  3. YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER!! You are a broken person, but so very many of us are. We all want the same things, especially from those who should have first loved us. We want to be loved, cared for, know that we matter. We want acceptance and praise. We want to feel secure. You were robbed of that by monsters in your childhood. You are not the monster. You are a human being seeking what he should have gotten in his childhood. You are loved my many people and are a good and loving person yourself. You matter — to your family, to your friends. I just wish the physical distance was less. I know we could be even better friends and I would tell you every day how you matter, how wonderful a person you are, how smart, how compassionate, how loving…..

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